Navigating the Golden Globes

By Pete McQuaid, pmcquaid@lowellsun.com

Posted: 01/09/2013 01:36:52 PM EST

Fifteen very serious predictions for the most prestigious award show of all -- Sunday's Golden Globe Awards.
-- Best dressed will include George Clooney and Stacy Keibler, Jessica Chastain, Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Lawrence, Helen Hunt, Don Cheadle, Connie Britton, Bradley Cooper, Michelle Dockery, Jon Hamm, Kerry Washington and Christoph Waltz. Worst will be Quentin Tarantino, Alan Arkin, Lena Dunham, Zooey Deschanel, Woody Harrelson, Jennifer Lopez, Kevin Costner and Mandy Patinkin.
-- Jennifer Lawrence will win Best Actress in a Motion Picture -- Musical, as well as be the winner of the night who is too drunk to put together an entirely coherent acceptance speech. Well, it'll either be her or Maggie Smith.
-- Quentin Tarantino will win for Best Screenplay, and after his speech the maintenance staff will have to clean up all his spit with one of those push brooms NBA arenas use during time-outs.
-- Jack Black will tell Ryan Seacrest that he's just happy to be there.
-- Anne Hathaway will mimic Sally Field's "You like me!" speech when she receives the Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture award, upon which the camera will catch fellow nominee Field mouthing, "You *******!"

/>-- Damian Lewis will win for Best Actor in a Drama Series and somehow still surprise people when they hear him talk with a British accent.
-- Leonardo DiCaprio will win for Best Supporting Actor in a Film and he'll thank the crowd in a pre-recorded video, not able to make the ceremony due to scheduling commitments. Seriously, he's never at these things, he's always off making movies -- doesn't he understand what's really important?
-- NBC won't bother airing the Best Supporting Actor in a Television Series category because even it knows that the nominees were incredibly stupid.
-- Julianne Moore will win Best Actress in a Miniseries or Television Film for her portrayal of Sarah Palin in Game Change, a victory which Fox News will call "an attack on Republican values by the liberal media."
-- Will Ferrell will yell his presentation at us, and it will have a 53 percent chance of being funny.
-- Kathryn Bigelow will win Best Director, and ex-husband James Cameron will release Avatar 2 in super-ultra-mega-ridiculous frame rate 4-D just to try to get back at her. Yes, he will also invent that.
-- The Big Bang Theory will win Best Television Series -- Musical or Comedy, and still nobody you personally know will watch it.
-- Les Miserables will win Best Film -- Comedy or Musical, and you won't be able to get that song about angry men out of your head.
-- Argo will win for Best Drama, and members of Hollywood will tell all of Hollywood how great it was for Hollywood that this film, which emphasizes Hollywood's importance in solving the Iran Hostage Crisis, was made ... in Hollywood.
-- Breaking Bad will win Best Television Series -- Drama, and everyone with a brain will breathe a sigh of relief that The Newsroom didn't.

Follow Pete McQuaid on Twitter @sweetestpete.

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