Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show -- CNBC, Monday, 8 p.m.
Have you ever watched a dog show and realized how pinpoint-accurate Best in Show was? The analyst commentator (who's British about half the time) makes most of the insightful comments about the dogs and breeds, while the other guy doesn't know as much and tends to make a lot of jokes. The dogs' gaits aren't nearly as funny as the gaits of the handlers, who gallop around in suits too small for them (the men) or ill-fitting frocks and running loafers (the women). And to top if off, weird-looking breeds that you would never want to own receive gushing praise from the commentators.
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Ah, the State of the Union Address, our yearly speech where one side of the room shakes its collective head repeatedly, the other side cheers too much, Joe Biden flashes his "Yeah, I'm the Vice President -- job well done, Joe" grin and John Boehner looks like he's suffering through the end of The Notebook.
President Obama will shake the hand of every two-bit Representative sitting on the aisle, showering
The main draw is his speech, but don't worry if you miss it -- it'll probably just be lip-synched anyway.
Glee -- Fox, Thursday, 9 p.m.
Were you trying to spend Valentine's Day huddled under your covers with the blinds drawn, a bottle of Jack Daniels at your side and Sarah McLachlan blasting in the background? Too bad -- you can't be sad because there's a Glee wedding, and that sucks all other possible feelings out of the world.
Will (Matthew Morrison) is getting married, but probably not without some bumps in the road (is anything on this show not overly dramatic?). Current and ex-glee club members will come out of the woodwork for this one, but at least they're going to do "We've Got Tonite" -- nothing spices up a wedding like a Bob Seger power ballad.
Saturday Night Live -- NBC, Saturday, 11:35 p.m.
Alabama Shakes is performing on Saturday Night Live! Prepare to have your mind blown ... as much as mind-blowing things can happen these days on SNL, which is in its 38th season. But Alabama Shakes is the perfect group for the show: A raucous throwback rock band with a reputation for great live performances.
Christoph Waltz, the eloquent star of Django Unchained, hosts, so fans of past hosts like Justin Bieber and Adam Levine may be disappointed because Waltz, you know... has acting talent.
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